ライス
ばしょ
ばしょ
just rice logging logs.
- focusing on life and such. go home.
- focusing on life and such. go home.
chapters:
chapters:
2024-25
chapters:
title: vacation
date: 06/11/2025 07:22PM
one of the worst things about being on vacation is the end. its near and i am beyond terrified of going back to work. i just know i will feel super anxious sunday night knowing i have to go back to reality. my husband also told me the same thing while we were getting ice cream on a hot wednesday afternoon. the gut wrenching feeling. but we all have 4 more full days before going back. on the side note, i changed my nails 3 times this week. the first one was really gorgeus while the others i kind of regret putting on. took them off after going to the beach today. had lots of fun so 4 more days of fun. hope i can hang on before reality kicks in soon. i wish myself good luck. and to others having the same feeling.
date: 06/11/2025 07:22PM
one of the worst things about being on vacation is the end. its near and i am beyond terrified of going back to work. i just know i will feel super anxious sunday night knowing i have to go back to reality. my husband also told me the same thing while we were getting ice cream on a hot wednesday afternoon. the gut wrenching feeling. but we all have 4 more full days before going back. on the side note, i changed my nails 3 times this week. the first one was really gorgeus while the others i kind of regret putting on. took them off after going to the beach today. had lots of fun so 4 more days of fun. hope i can hang on before reality kicks in soon. i wish myself good luck. and to others having the same feeling.
title: untitled 07
date: 05/29/2025 03:00PM
spending memorial weekend gardening and cleaning the house of future plans. tired but also excited for a vacation i've been waiting for. spending quiet days drawing on my ipad and watching anime with my husband. my mental health is a rocky path but i am still hanging on.
date: 05/29/2025 03:00PM
spending memorial weekend gardening and cleaning the house of future plans. tired but also excited for a vacation i've been waiting for. spending quiet days drawing on my ipad and watching anime with my husband. my mental health is a rocky path but i am still hanging on.
title: better days
date: 05/12/2025 03:20PM
the days are getting warmer, and so has the better of my mental health. one step at a time. been getting some vitamin d gummies to better my mental health and so far, i feel a little better then before. celebrated my husbands birthday and also mothers day was totally worth it all. played mini golfing and had a feast with my family. lazy but chill days with the people i love is. life.
date: 05/12/2025 03:20PM
the days are getting warmer, and so has the better of my mental health. one step at a time. been getting some vitamin d gummies to better my mental health and so far, i feel a little better then before. celebrated my husbands birthday and also mothers day was totally worth it all. played mini golfing and had a feast with my family. lazy but chill days with the people i love is. life.
title: depression
date: 05/04/2025 09:40AM
for the past few weeks, i've been dealing with horrible depression. one moment i'm having so much fun existing the next i feel so weird and off. i finally told my husband about what i've been feeling and he hugged me. he's always been worried about me and i feel so bad i make him worry. this whole depression is making my life miserable. i feel like doing nothing, nothing interest me. even the things i love to do i find them a hassle. i often think about offing myself for the better of people that surrounds me. thinking it would solve everyones issue about me. wanting to self harm myself, wanting to just disappear. i feel as if i don't deserve to have friends, i feel like i am not a good person. i feel as if i am a nuiance to people. i feel like if my existence is a bother to people it would be a better option to leave this world. theres an image in my head of me just standing there, standing on a ledge and jumping off. it replays. i've seen it so many times its become so normal to see in my head. telling all of this to my husband was a big sigh of relief. i felt so horrible keeping it a secret but if i don't, i'm sure he'd be seeing my lifeless body. depression sucks. i wouldn't wish this on anyone.
date: 05/04/2025 09:40AM
for the past few weeks, i've been dealing with horrible depression. one moment i'm having so much fun existing the next i feel so weird and off. i finally told my husband about what i've been feeling and he hugged me. he's always been worried about me and i feel so bad i make him worry. this whole depression is making my life miserable. i feel like doing nothing, nothing interest me. even the things i love to do i find them a hassle. i often think about offing myself for the better of people that surrounds me. thinking it would solve everyones issue about me. wanting to self harm myself, wanting to just disappear. i feel as if i don't deserve to have friends, i feel like i am not a good person. i feel as if i am a nuiance to people. i feel like if my existence is a bother to people it would be a better option to leave this world. theres an image in my head of me just standing there, standing on a ledge and jumping off. it replays. i've seen it so many times its become so normal to see in my head. telling all of this to my husband was a big sigh of relief. i felt so horrible keeping it a secret but if i don't, i'm sure he'd be seeing my lifeless body. depression sucks. i wouldn't wish this on anyone.
title: ???
date: 05/02/2025 03:03PM
life is weird. one day you're having the best time of your life and then the next you're feeling hopeless and empty and on the verge of offing yourself in hopes of making everyone pleased you don't exist anymore. positivity doesn't work because you feel numb to the core.
date: 05/02/2025 03:03PM
life is weird. one day you're having the best time of your life and then the next you're feeling hopeless and empty and on the verge of offing yourself in hopes of making everyone pleased you don't exist anymore. positivity doesn't work because you feel numb to the core.
title: ??
date: 05/01/2025 03:32PM
feeling super emotional, anxious and lots of overthinking. i just want to float on water forever. sometimes, during the years of living. i find myself remembering all the failures and mistakes i've done, and think to myself what would happen if this was prevented or what if this changed? would the outcome still be the same? or would it be different then the outcome now? so many things boggle my mind. so much. its hard to focus when your head is filled with so much memories of both good and bad. more bad then good. because the bad ones are etched to your brain like a sewing machine. every single details like a film being played in your head and you're forced to watch it. but, life goes on.
date: 05/01/2025 03:32PM
feeling super emotional, anxious and lots of overthinking. i just want to float on water forever. sometimes, during the years of living. i find myself remembering all the failures and mistakes i've done, and think to myself what would happen if this was prevented or what if this changed? would the outcome still be the same? or would it be different then the outcome now? so many things boggle my mind. so much. its hard to focus when your head is filled with so much memories of both good and bad. more bad then good. because the bad ones are etched to your brain like a sewing machine. every single details like a film being played in your head and you're forced to watch it. but, life goes on.
title: life
date: 04/28/2025 02:39PM
finally went on a walk with my husband. its getting warmer enough to go and it felt really nice. cool warm breeze walking with someone i love. it's an amazing feeling. if i had on better shoes i could've went on longer walks. eventually, there will be beach days. i love the beach. then camping, something i plan to do with my husband. that might be 50/50 since camp site bookings might've been filled up already. hopefully, summer days will become fun days.
date: 04/28/2025 02:39PM
finally went on a walk with my husband. its getting warmer enough to go and it felt really nice. cool warm breeze walking with someone i love. it's an amazing feeling. if i had on better shoes i could've went on longer walks. eventually, there will be beach days. i love the beach. then camping, something i plan to do with my husband. that might be 50/50 since camp site bookings might've been filled up already. hopefully, summer days will become fun days.
title: belong
date: 04/24/2025 06:10PM
i feel like i have no place to belong. i feel closed out. it feels...lonely. it's so hard typing out how feeling out of place is. like i do not belong anywhere. i wish there is place i can belong to without feeling so trapped and unwanted. maybe, just maybe.
date: 04/24/2025 06:10PM
i feel like i have no place to belong. i feel closed out. it feels...lonely. it's so hard typing out how feeling out of place is. like i do not belong anywhere. i wish there is place i can belong to without feeling so trapped and unwanted. maybe, just maybe.
title: saturday
date: 04/19/2025 05:09PM
having the urge to code random layouts today and also wanting to find more procreate brushes to try out. one day i'll find cool ones.
date: 04/19/2025 05:09PM
having the urge to code random layouts today and also wanting to find more procreate brushes to try out. one day i'll find cool ones.
title: friday
date: 04/18/2025 02:52PM
one thing i hate about myself is the laziness of writing in my hobonichi weeks journal. opening it and just sitting there thinking about what i did this week and trying to find things to fill in the empty pages. i hate that feeling not me makes me lazy in the things i love to do.
date: 04/18/2025 02:52PM
one thing i hate about myself is the laziness of writing in my hobonichi weeks journal. opening it and just sitting there thinking about what i did this week and trying to find things to fill in the empty pages. i hate that feeling not me makes me lazy in the things i love to do.
title: friday
date: 04/18/2025 06:17AM
taking the time out of my days to draw random things on procreate. i draw and burn out inspo quick so half of my art on procreate are unfinished artworks. some day it will get finished.
date: 04/18/2025 06:17AM
taking the time out of my days to draw random things on procreate. i draw and burn out inspo quick so half of my art on procreate are unfinished artworks. some day it will get finished.
title: more thoughts
date: 04/15/2025 05:54PM
i can't wait for the days to be warmer so i can go outside more. i want to go on walks, go fishing, go camping, go hiking and be active with my husband. i want to do many things with my husband. like maybe go on small vacations and enjoy sight seeing. go on car rides and listen to music. go shopping and buy things that makes us happy. theres just so much things i want to do. i want to create things. i want to expand my knowledge in language. i want to be and feel pretty. so many wants, what will i do with them when life is short?
how to empty a mind stuffed with all sorts of unorganized and messy thoughts? overthinking kills. my usual temporary remedy to cure a overthinking brain is to just go outside and feel the cool yet freezing breeze. life feels bottled up and stuffed sometimes, like having oxygen deprived of you. hugs are nice though. especially when the hugs are from someone you deeply love. it feels warm, feels comforting and it makes breathing a little easier to do.
on the other note. life seems a little unfair. time passes by quick when you're genuienly enjoying time. yet, waiting for time to pass by seems like waiting for decades.
date: 04/15/2025 05:54PM
i can't wait for the days to be warmer so i can go outside more. i want to go on walks, go fishing, go camping, go hiking and be active with my husband. i want to do many things with my husband. like maybe go on small vacations and enjoy sight seeing. go on car rides and listen to music. go shopping and buy things that makes us happy. theres just so much things i want to do. i want to create things. i want to expand my knowledge in language. i want to be and feel pretty. so many wants, what will i do with them when life is short?
how to empty a mind stuffed with all sorts of unorganized and messy thoughts? overthinking kills. my usual temporary remedy to cure a overthinking brain is to just go outside and feel the cool yet freezing breeze. life feels bottled up and stuffed sometimes, like having oxygen deprived of you. hugs are nice though. especially when the hugs are from someone you deeply love. it feels warm, feels comforting and it makes breathing a little easier to do.
on the other note. life seems a little unfair. time passes by quick when you're genuienly enjoying time. yet, waiting for time to pass by seems like waiting for decades.
title: remember
date: 04/15/2025 02:34PM
i think the most interesting thing about us humans is that we remember all the bad things that has happened to us but can't remember the good things. which sucks because it's not fair..
date: 04/15/2025 02:34PM
i think the most interesting thing about us humans is that we remember all the bad things that has happened to us but can't remember the good things. which sucks because it's not fair..
title: coding
date: 04/14/2025 04:47PM
trying to get back to coding random things and building cute builds on minecraft. i found this add on in minecraft bedrock that is similar to worldedit mod (which is way easier to use and understand) and i've been using it to make a flat area for me to build. for coding wise, i decided to dazzle my index a bit to add a little bit of life.
i am doing my best.
date: 04/14/2025 04:47PM
trying to get back to coding random things and building cute builds on minecraft. i found this add on in minecraft bedrock that is similar to worldedit mod (which is way easier to use and understand) and i've been using it to make a flat area for me to build. for coding wise, i decided to dazzle my index a bit to add a little bit of life.
i am doing my best.
title: untitled 05
date: 04/11/2025 06:43PM
finding peace on my ipad. lately i've been into typography. wait not that but lettering wise. found this really cool brush set and i had to buy it. but the thing about this is i don't know what to add after being done with lettering. i want to add cute little doodles and other cute things but my brain isn't working well lately. my mind imagines so much cool ideas yet when it comes to actually doing it i cannot seem to think when starting.
work has been tiring lately. not because of the work itself but the people that comes with it. its hard to survive there knowing things happened and you remember it as clear as daylight. seeing faces that reminds you of the good fond memories of fun days. and looking at it now wondering what ever happened. life sucks when unfortunate things happen. like it was never meant to be.
date: 04/11/2025 06:43PM
finding peace on my ipad. lately i've been into typography. wait not that but lettering wise. found this really cool brush set and i had to buy it. but the thing about this is i don't know what to add after being done with lettering. i want to add cute little doodles and other cute things but my brain isn't working well lately. my mind imagines so much cool ideas yet when it comes to actually doing it i cannot seem to think when starting.
work has been tiring lately. not because of the work itself but the people that comes with it. its hard to survive there knowing things happened and you remember it as clear as daylight. seeing faces that reminds you of the good fond memories of fun days. and looking at it now wondering what ever happened. life sucks when unfortunate things happen. like it was never meant to be.
title: exhuasting
date: 04/09/2025 03:49PM
existing is so hard.
date: 04/09/2025 03:49PM
existing is so hard.
title: not ready
date: 04/08/2025 12:41PM
i feel like whenever i take off work and then i go back there's a overwhelming and anxious feeling because of the thought of going back to work. life gets too sweet when you're off and then the world ends when you go back to work. it sucks and like the previous journal entry, i wish i can just stay home forever.
date: 04/08/2025 12:41PM
i feel like whenever i take off work and then i go back there's a overwhelming and anxious feeling because of the thought of going back to work. life gets too sweet when you're off and then the world ends when you go back to work. it sucks and like the previous journal entry, i wish i can just stay home forever.
title: untitled 04
date: 04/07/2025 12:39PM
don't know if taking three days off work did something to me or not. (adding the two day weekend = 5 days) it's always exhuasting working 5-6 days every week and i wish i can just never work forever. it's so tiring when you use most of your life span working just to survive, never having enough money, never having enough time because of the exhuastion of work. then waiting for the weekend to do everything that also isn't enough. i feel this is a repeaded cycle of life and i hate that life works that way. i just want to be free. i want space and freedom and the ability to do whatever i want in a safe space. another thing that i struggle with is loneliness. i wish i had friends. i wish i had friends who likes me for who i am and not because of they way i make them feel. its lonely when you see people have friends. i wish things don't bother be but it hurts a lot. surpressing my real self to find friends feel so suffocating. they're used to the mask i wear and i fear their reaction to me unmasked is going to change our friendship. and i hate that even after feeling this way, i always find blaming myself for the desicions i make is the solution. the conclusion. "maybe i'm just overreacting", "maybe i'm just making myself the victim", "maybe i do deserve this". thoughts bunched up in my head like a overfilled trashbin. in the end, i smile to hide this aching piece of myself.
date: 04/07/2025 12:39PM
don't know if taking three days off work did something to me or not. (adding the two day weekend = 5 days) it's always exhuasting working 5-6 days every week and i wish i can just never work forever. it's so tiring when you use most of your life span working just to survive, never having enough money, never having enough time because of the exhuastion of work. then waiting for the weekend to do everything that also isn't enough. i feel this is a repeaded cycle of life and i hate that life works that way. i just want to be free. i want space and freedom and the ability to do whatever i want in a safe space. another thing that i struggle with is loneliness. i wish i had friends. i wish i had friends who likes me for who i am and not because of they way i make them feel. its lonely when you see people have friends. i wish things don't bother be but it hurts a lot. surpressing my real self to find friends feel so suffocating. they're used to the mask i wear and i fear their reaction to me unmasked is going to change our friendship. and i hate that even after feeling this way, i always find blaming myself for the desicions i make is the solution. the conclusion. "maybe i'm just overreacting", "maybe i'm just making myself the victim", "maybe i do deserve this". thoughts bunched up in my head like a overfilled trashbin. in the end, i smile to hide this aching piece of myself.
title: new
date: 04/06/2025 01:05PM
i've been on and off. staying on hiatus mode because of my mental health and other issues i had. none too serious but serious enough for me to go away. i won't list why i left but it left me in complete shambles. it was enough for my husband to tell me to take a complete break. i think not being on nekoweb i have found some sort of peace. but that also brings me into another shamble as i love coding but it brings me so much stress and frustration. i think for now, i'm just going to use my site to blog until i am completely ready to come back fully.
i've been coding a new layout and i am completely hating it. we will see how it goes.
date: 04/06/2025 01:05PM
i've been on and off. staying on hiatus mode because of my mental health and other issues i had. none too serious but serious enough for me to go away. i won't list why i left but it left me in complete shambles. it was enough for my husband to tell me to take a complete break. i think not being on nekoweb i have found some sort of peace. but that also brings me into another shamble as i love coding but it brings me so much stress and frustration. i think for now, i'm just going to use my site to blog until i am completely ready to come back fully.
i've been coding a new layout and i am completely hating it. we will see how it goes.
title: big step in life ig.. (i'm scared)
date: 05/22/2024 06:02PM
husband and i are thinking about buying a house. that's some big adult shit right there. the problem is me. and my husband won't admit it. i can't drive. i am scared to drive. but its only 8 minutes from my work place but realistically its like 20 minutes if there is traffic. all of this makes me useless..
and i don't even have a car..
date: 05/22/2024 06:02PM
husband and i are thinking about buying a house. that's some big adult shit right there. the problem is me. and my husband won't admit it. i can't drive. i am scared to drive. but its only 8 minutes from my work place but realistically its like 20 minutes if there is traffic. all of this makes me useless..
and i don't even have a car..
title: nevermind
date: 05/23/2024 02:43PM
husband and i decided nah about the house. no money at all and we are okay with the apartment. rent is okay too. but the atabook go crazy wait until neocities finds this LMAO
date: 05/23/2024 02:43PM
husband and i decided nah about the house. no money at all and we are okay with the apartment. rent is okay too. but the atabook go crazy wait until neocities finds this LMAO
title: 3 day weekend yes!!
date: 05/24/2024 02:56PM
excited for this 3 day weekend because my older brother and sister-in-law and my nephew are coming over for memorial weekend! but the thing that sucks is the weather might be shitty all weekend. but i think it's okay because my nephew is going to get all the attention in the world. because they're coming over me and my husband are sleeping over at my moms place for the weekend. i hope your memorial weekend is nice!
date: 05/24/2024 02:56PM
excited for this 3 day weekend because my older brother and sister-in-law and my nephew are coming over for memorial weekend! but the thing that sucks is the weather might be shitty all weekend. but i think it's okay because my nephew is going to get all the attention in the world. because they're coming over me and my husband are sleeping over at my moms place for the weekend. i hope your memorial weekend is nice!
title: eehhh boring
date: 05/27/2024 01:24PM
was hoping we could've done something the 3 weekend we had but everyone was too lazy to go out. at least me and my husband did small things like go fishing and to the store. also had so much time watching my cute and adorable baby nephew ♥ saturday was really sunny hence me and my husband went out. but the other two days was gloomy and rainy. sleep? mid. but overall, it was okay. spending time with my family is already good enough hehe
date: 05/27/2024 01:24PM
was hoping we could've done something the 3 weekend we had but everyone was too lazy to go out. at least me and my husband did small things like go fishing and to the store. also had so much time watching my cute and adorable baby nephew ♥ saturday was really sunny hence me and my husband went out. but the other two days was gloomy and rainy. sleep? mid. but overall, it was okay. spending time with my family is already good enough hehe
title: untitled bcuz idk
date: 05/31/2024 02:27PM
cut my hair during memorial weekend and now my head feels so light and i feel so much better because taking care of long hair can get tiring. long hair gets everywhere and they get in the way of sleeping sometimes. but ive been working on a medical page but finding resources are so hard so i went back to tumblr searching my archives to find old self care masterpost list. so far? a couple of useful ones.
date: 05/31/2024 02:27PM
cut my hair during memorial weekend and now my head feels so light and i feel so much better because taking care of long hair can get tiring. long hair gets everywhere and they get in the way of sleeping sometimes. but ive been working on a medical page but finding resources are so hard so i went back to tumblr searching my archives to find old self care masterpost list. so far? a couple of useful ones.
title: updates eh
date: 06/08/2024 05:40AM
my husband finally started volleyball again. wore a cute sundress there and watched him played. missed out on my mom's birthday but that was okay. just long weeks of working and i'm so tired. yesterday was alright at work as i really had nothing to do but stand around and do nothing for the most part hehe. but other then that i am doing okay. thinking about redoing my layout but i love it so much. the violent urge is real
date: 06/08/2024 05:40AM
my husband finally started volleyball again. wore a cute sundress there and watched him played. missed out on my mom's birthday but that was okay. just long weeks of working and i'm so tired. yesterday was alright at work as i really had nothing to do but stand around and do nothing for the most part hehe. but other then that i am doing okay. thinking about redoing my layout but i love it so much. the violent urge is real
title: untitled 02
date: 06/19/2024 02:47PM
too much tea at work. its okay i am invested. but holy crap me and my husband along with my little brother have been going out fishing and crayfishing for two weekends now hehe. its so much fun but so hot. i hate hot weather. spent like crazy. not too crazy though. also got my neokyo package today, waiting on more things to come. bought airpods. finally. also woke up this morning at 4AM to cook something for my husbands potluck today. taco something. lol realized its a wednesday. lame. only half through the week and i'm pretty sure i work this saturday, so is my husband. that reminds me. the new minecraft update is so cool. me, my husband and little brother have a minecraft server. very fustrating since i am not a survival girl but more of a creative girl hehe because i like to build things on minecraft.
i am having second thoughts on my current layout and maybe planning to switch back. idk. i have attatchment issues. i haven't even updated my shrines and my j-movies list in awhile maybe i should work on that. i need to add more quotes and start on my anime page. which might be short..
date: 06/19/2024 02:47PM
too much tea at work. its okay i am invested. but holy crap me and my husband along with my little brother have been going out fishing and crayfishing for two weekends now hehe. its so much fun but so hot. i hate hot weather. spent like crazy. not too crazy though. also got my neokyo package today, waiting on more things to come. bought airpods. finally. also woke up this morning at 4AM to cook something for my husbands potluck today. taco something. lol realized its a wednesday. lame. only half through the week and i'm pretty sure i work this saturday, so is my husband. that reminds me. the new minecraft update is so cool. me, my husband and little brother have a minecraft server. very fustrating since i am not a survival girl but more of a creative girl hehe because i like to build things on minecraft.
i am having second thoughts on my current layout and maybe planning to switch back. idk. i have attatchment issues. i haven't even updated my shrines and my j-movies list in awhile maybe i should work on that. i need to add more quotes and start on my anime page. which might be short..
title: closing
date: 06/28/2024 05:09PM
i found the script of closing my site made by melonking. i really like it and already added the script onto my site! i decided that sundays and mondays were the crucial days for me in terms of irl shit. sundays are the days to prepare (mentally) for work and mondays are, well no one likes mondays. its also a really good thing for me as to not be on my pc too much as i don't want to spend most of my time looking at a screen everytime i come home from work. my closing page is pretty dope. took me a few minutes to find the bubble message and i made it work hehe.
called in today. just because my husband was off today. why not hehe. spent the entire day basically making kimbap(?). took a shower and finally out on some press ons. life's great. also my aliexpress packages came in yesterday. most of them. i still am waiting for more to come in, well the rest of them.
date: 06/28/2024 05:09PM
i found the script of closing my site made by melonking. i really like it and already added the script onto my site! i decided that sundays and mondays were the crucial days for me in terms of irl shit. sundays are the days to prepare (mentally) for work and mondays are, well no one likes mondays. its also a really good thing for me as to not be on my pc too much as i don't want to spend most of my time looking at a screen everytime i come home from work. my closing page is pretty dope. took me a few minutes to find the bubble message and i made it work hehe.
called in today. just because my husband was off today. why not hehe. spent the entire day basically making kimbap(?). took a shower and finally out on some press ons. life's great. also my aliexpress packages came in yesterday. most of them. i still am waiting for more to come in, well the rest of them.
title: j4th weekend
date: 07/09/2024 02:35PM
i have been dreading the entire week last week because work decided for us to work on july 5th after july 4th and i hated it because the beginning of the year i tried to take off and it took my supervisor a month to deny my vacation!! i was dreading like crazy and i even cried to my husband that i didn't want to work but instead stay with him since he was off that day too. my little brother; who works with me and my mom; wanted to work and i kept convincing him to call in with me but he kept saying he was going to work. so i ended up agreeing with him and my mom to just work. me and my husband slept over at my moms place since she had off that friday and went to see my older brother and his family along side with my other two brothers that went along. long story short, me and my little brother called in because he decided that thursday night he was going to call in and i had to make sure he was sure that he was going to call in. and we did hehe. spent the entire week broke and bored. if i had my pc and my husband had his ps5, we could've played minecraft. we were stuck all day watching youtube.
i think, after making a few more purchases. and i keep saying this but never change. i really need to save money. if you see me say this a lot, call me out on it. also...haven't had my period yet....am i sick? or pregnant..WE'LL SEE...
date: 07/09/2024 02:35PM
i have been dreading the entire week last week because work decided for us to work on july 5th after july 4th and i hated it because the beginning of the year i tried to take off and it took my supervisor a month to deny my vacation!! i was dreading like crazy and i even cried to my husband that i didn't want to work but instead stay with him since he was off that day too. my little brother; who works with me and my mom; wanted to work and i kept convincing him to call in with me but he kept saying he was going to work. so i ended up agreeing with him and my mom to just work. me and my husband slept over at my moms place since she had off that friday and went to see my older brother and his family along side with my other two brothers that went along. long story short, me and my little brother called in because he decided that thursday night he was going to call in and i had to make sure he was sure that he was going to call in. and we did hehe. spent the entire week broke and bored. if i had my pc and my husband had his ps5, we could've played minecraft. we were stuck all day watching youtube.
i think, after making a few more purchases. and i keep saying this but never change. i really need to save money. if you see me say this a lot, call me out on it. also...haven't had my period yet....am i sick? or pregnant..WE'LL SEE...
title: sigh
date: 07/16/2024 02:49PM
this blog post was meant to be something. but i just sat on my futon dozed out about what to write. i guess you can say, life is quite boring right now. beach days are hardly here due to the constant wind and rain. empty money because your priorities aren't straight. selling stuff sucks now because i am getting more and more unfocused on shipping. haven't been able to clean my apartment because of how much needs to be done. doordashing food because life seems better ordering then making it. wishing for some sort of miracle but in all honesty, i am just lazy. i have absolutely 0 motivation whatsoever. but all of this, and this is me gaslighting myself, might just be me painting myself as a victim.
date: 07/16/2024 02:49PM
this blog post was meant to be something. but i just sat on my futon dozed out about what to write. i guess you can say, life is quite boring right now. beach days are hardly here due to the constant wind and rain. empty money because your priorities aren't straight. selling stuff sucks now because i am getting more and more unfocused on shipping. haven't been able to clean my apartment because of how much needs to be done. doordashing food because life seems better ordering then making it. wishing for some sort of miracle but in all honesty, i am just lazy. i have absolutely 0 motivation whatsoever. but all of this, and this is me gaslighting myself, might just be me painting myself as a victim.
title: feelings and events
date: 07/28/2024 02:49PM
feelings: why can't i just wear press on nails and jewlery forever...i just want to feel pretty everyday but i work at this stupid manufacturing job....dumb.
events: the nekweb discord debate club: a 67 year old kid (?) demanded very rudely about nekowebs theme made by rol about how it's an eye sore, they wanted to vomit everytime they look at it, looks like a pepto bismol themed. turns out, they were on mobile the entire time. then refused to read what we were all explaining 20 times. the whole thread turned into shitposting. under dimdens request, they deleted it. it was for the best but i wish i could've archived to look at the memories we made.
date: 07/28/2024 02:49PM
feelings: why can't i just wear press on nails and jewlery forever...i just want to feel pretty everyday but i work at this stupid manufacturing job....dumb.
events: the nekweb discord debate club: a 67 year old kid (?) demanded very rudely about nekowebs theme made by rol about how it's an eye sore, they wanted to vomit everytime they look at it, looks like a pepto bismol themed. turns out, they were on mobile the entire time. then refused to read what we were all explaining 20 times. the whole thread turned into shitposting. under dimdens request, they deleted it. it was for the best but i wish i could've archived to look at the memories we made.
title: hi lol hisashiburi
date: 08/29/2024 02:28PM
have been stuck at my mother's place for the entire august. not bad tbh. missing my apartment badly. also broke. there's that lol. not much happening but i have been off for about a week now. there was things planned but plans changed. its okay. enough with the grind. its time to rest. fuck work. not really but fuck work. also wearing press ons is a nice feeling.
husband is not feeling mentally well. has bad dreams about losing me. during my darkest days he has been there for me. it's time i'm there for him.
date: 08/29/2024 02:28PM
have been stuck at my mother's place for the entire august. not bad tbh. missing my apartment badly. also broke. there's that lol. not much happening but i have been off for about a week now. there was things planned but plans changed. its okay. enough with the grind. its time to rest. fuck work. not really but fuck work. also wearing press ons is a nice feeling.
husband is not feeling mentally well. has bad dreams about losing me. during my darkest days he has been there for me. it's time i'm there for him.
title:TOO DAMN LONG
date: 10/13/2024 10:31AM
haven't been able to do things on here because of how busy and stressed me and my husband have been about moving out of the apartment and back into my moms place. its a decision we both made as we have been been seeing how imcompetent both my older and younger brother are in terms of helping out my mom. but that adds onto the stress for both of us as we always witness the bullshit around the house. dishes are always full, laundry room always packed with baskets of unwashed laundry. dirty floors around the house, trashbags are full and who gets to clean them? my mother. so me and my husband along with my two younger brothers are always the ones to clean the house almost all the time. with complaints that is. my mom is the kind of person (i am just like her) who doesn't like asking because if you live in this house and see something that needs to be clean, i don't need to tell you to clean it as you should already be thinking about cleaning it.
other than all of that, me and my husband had an argument the other day about all this stuff and its probably because of the stress we both are having. like mentioned earlier i am just like my mom where i do not want any conflicts to happen and i tend to hold my husband back from what he wants to say to my brothers. (the two that are incompetent) which also leads to me getting treated like shit sometimes. by my brothers. but me and my husband don't like to be mad at eachother for too long as we always try to make it up to eachother all the time. though whenever i'm not in the mood and my face looks like abitch my mom, who is heavily cultutred, always think i'm mad and shouldn't make my husband feel weird. is that a cultural thing? lol idk
but anyways about my website. on my newsletter i stated that i will be inactive until the end of november. since i am over at my moms place i am currently using my younger brothers pc to access nekoweb and occasionally neocities. but i do have plans to re-do my layout. like everything. perhaps. but i am still inactive on nekoweb. i'm active on discord again! ping for for whatever you want or need idk. also making more plasma buttons and blinkies and i have new rice buttons awaiting to be put on the website. thats all for today. see you in november perhaps.
date: 10/13/2024 10:31AM
haven't been able to do things on here because of how busy and stressed me and my husband have been about moving out of the apartment and back into my moms place. its a decision we both made as we have been been seeing how imcompetent both my older and younger brother are in terms of helping out my mom. but that adds onto the stress for both of us as we always witness the bullshit around the house. dishes are always full, laundry room always packed with baskets of unwashed laundry. dirty floors around the house, trashbags are full and who gets to clean them? my mother. so me and my husband along with my two younger brothers are always the ones to clean the house almost all the time. with complaints that is. my mom is the kind of person (i am just like her) who doesn't like asking because if you live in this house and see something that needs to be clean, i don't need to tell you to clean it as you should already be thinking about cleaning it.
other than all of that, me and my husband had an argument the other day about all this stuff and its probably because of the stress we both are having. like mentioned earlier i am just like my mom where i do not want any conflicts to happen and i tend to hold my husband back from what he wants to say to my brothers. (the two that are incompetent) which also leads to me getting treated like shit sometimes. by my brothers. but me and my husband don't like to be mad at eachother for too long as we always try to make it up to eachother all the time. though whenever i'm not in the mood and my face looks like abitch my mom, who is heavily cultutred, always think i'm mad and shouldn't make my husband feel weird. is that a cultural thing? lol idk
but anyways about my website. on my newsletter i stated that i will be inactive until the end of november. since i am over at my moms place i am currently using my younger brothers pc to access nekoweb and occasionally neocities. but i do have plans to re-do my layout. like everything. perhaps. but i am still inactive on nekoweb. i'm active on discord again! ping for for whatever you want or need idk. also making more plasma buttons and blinkies and i have new rice buttons awaiting to be put on the website. thats all for today. see you in november perhaps.
title:fuck...
date: 10/25/2024 10:36AM
fuck....came home early today because i was not having it. i felt like if i stayed longer i'd explode in tears our of anger. working with a bunch of stupid is draining the life out of me so i might as well just leave. my work friend texted me that i can't be leaving all the time if i'm on her line. "her" as in a line leader i absolutely dislike. we both don't like her for reasons i won't list why. i think thats also a reason i came home but it is not entirely the reason. i am okay. i am fine. i just wasn't having it at all. i also told my work friend it might just be a sign of me starting my period lol. whatever lmao fuck it
date: 10/25/2024 10:36AM
fuck....came home early today because i was not having it. i felt like if i stayed longer i'd explode in tears our of anger. working with a bunch of stupid is draining the life out of me so i might as well just leave. my work friend texted me that i can't be leaving all the time if i'm on her line. "her" as in a line leader i absolutely dislike. we both don't like her for reasons i won't list why. i think thats also a reason i came home but it is not entirely the reason. i am okay. i am fine. i just wasn't having it at all. i also told my work friend it might just be a sign of me starting my period lol. whatever lmao fuck it
title:idgaf
date: 11/10/2024 08:45AM
the election was craaazzzzyyyyyy. once again the democratic party lost because they keep telling lies and feeding people lies making them believe in lies. until the democratic party get their shit together they will continue to lose.
date: 11/10/2024 08:45AM
the election was craaazzzzyyyyyy. once again the democratic party lost because they keep telling lies and feeding people lies making them believe in lies. until the democratic party get their shit together they will continue to lose.
title:the grind
date: 11/17/2024 05:57PM
onto the grind. i am going to grind my ass off to save money and move out again. moving back in was a bad idea. cannot wait to move out and have freedom again. i love my mom but i cannot live in a household where shit is always being talked about, especially about my husband.
and that just sums up the kind of wife i am.
date: 11/17/2024 05:57PM
onto the grind. i am going to grind my ass off to save money and move out again. moving back in was a bad idea. cannot wait to move out and have freedom again. i love my mom but i cannot live in a household where shit is always being talked about, especially about my husband.
and that just sums up the kind of wife i am.
title:thanksgiving
date: 11/29/2024 06:27AM
thanksgiving was alright. cooked partially with my mom and sister from the morning all the way to 3PM. my mom made sweet pork, the turkey and bought papaya salad and some fruits. i fried the eggrolls while my mom, sister and grandma made the eggrolls for me to fry. they aren't my favorite so i ain't worried about eating it. i also bought a cake from walmart. recently i went to this mexican store and they had authentic tres leches cake and i it tasted better then the ones ive tried. walmart apparently had tres leches cake so i bought a 1/4 cake. picked it up from walmart that wednesday and we celebrated my baby nephews birthday since it was early this month. my older brother and my sister in law came on wednesday but my nephew is having a very hard time adjusting to the new environment so hes been having shitass sleep and hes getting sick so my old brother and sister in law are deciding to leave today in the afternoon, maybe sooner for the sake of my baby nephew.
also making button commissions is fun.
also finished packing and cleaning my apartment. like officially done. with the help of my mom of course. i think without her being involved with the cleaning we would be husling our asses off trying to finish. we were going to turn in our keys that wednesday BUT they were closed an hour early which we didn't know so we have to turn in our keys maybe on saturday and if not then definitly on monday. they better not give us shit because telling us that our last day is on the 30th when its a saturday and you're most likely closed that day. fucking dumbasses.
have not been using my money. imma go to black friday shit to see what they have. probably not gonna buy anything because i really have everything already. just gonna check out and if i don't see anything imma head out.
date: 11/29/2024 06:27AM
thanksgiving was alright. cooked partially with my mom and sister from the morning all the way to 3PM. my mom made sweet pork, the turkey and bought papaya salad and some fruits. i fried the eggrolls while my mom, sister and grandma made the eggrolls for me to fry. they aren't my favorite so i ain't worried about eating it. i also bought a cake from walmart. recently i went to this mexican store and they had authentic tres leches cake and i it tasted better then the ones ive tried. walmart apparently had tres leches cake so i bought a 1/4 cake. picked it up from walmart that wednesday and we celebrated my baby nephews birthday since it was early this month. my older brother and my sister in law came on wednesday but my nephew is having a very hard time adjusting to the new environment so hes been having shitass sleep and hes getting sick so my old brother and sister in law are deciding to leave today in the afternoon, maybe sooner for the sake of my baby nephew.
also making button commissions is fun.
also finished packing and cleaning my apartment. like officially done. with the help of my mom of course. i think without her being involved with the cleaning we would be husling our asses off trying to finish. we were going to turn in our keys that wednesday BUT they were closed an hour early which we didn't know so we have to turn in our keys maybe on saturday and if not then definitly on monday. they better not give us shit because telling us that our last day is on the 30th when its a saturday and you're most likely closed that day. fucking dumbasses.
have not been using my money. imma go to black friday shit to see what they have. probably not gonna buy anything because i really have everything already. just gonna check out and if i don't see anything imma head out.
title:new years celebration
date: 11/30/2024 10:00AM
celebrating the new years with wearing our culture clothing. just gonna take pictures and head out to go shopping again, not me tho but we will see.
wanting to buy a hobonichi weeks journal but i feel like im wasting money. fml.
date: 11/30/2024 10:00AM
celebrating the new years with wearing our culture clothing. just gonna take pictures and head out to go shopping again, not me tho but we will see.
wanting to buy a hobonichi weeks journal but i feel like im wasting money. fml.
title:in shambles
date: 11/30/2024 06:12PM
wanted to code a archive layout of my past layouts for my site, just to find out my code from my previous layout is gone. like forever gone. and now people on discord is telling me i shouldve gused git to cmmit my site codings. its so fucking nekoever. joever. i think people are tired of me yapping on discord but i just cannot stress enough how fucked up i am. i had attachment issues with that layout like i loved it with my whole heart. just for my stoopid ass to not save it when clearly i remember before switching to a new layout i saved it under my css folder with the title layout5. makes me not want to code an archive layout anymore but i still kinda want to. on top of that i also have to deal with my money. didn't delete that schedule fixed payment and now i paid another month of rent. thats $745 down the fucking drain. and im pretty sure i wont get my deposit back because the landlord over there is going to find some small shit and say they need my deposit to fix the damages. like what fucking damages lmao. hopefully i get it. because if i get my refund of $745 and my deposit of $650 then the total would be $1395. that means ill have more then enough to keep saving because at this point i feel like im so broke even though i have over $1k in my bank. still i had to deal with these 2 problems im so fucking stressed and pissed. like super pissed like im in complete and utter shambles at this very moment. ive yapped about this before and im yapping now because i cant get over it like my heart is breaking and im sooooooo stressed. cannot stress how stress i am right now. fuck me life bro. oooommmmggggg shgkdfgOSrtgh ozdig jfdjh;sligliszdj'pzedirupdijgdf g fuck man.
date: 11/30/2024 06:12PM
wanted to code a archive layout of my past layouts for my site, just to find out my code from my previous layout is gone. like forever gone. and now people on discord is telling me i shouldve gused git to cmmit my site codings. its so fucking nekoever. joever. i think people are tired of me yapping on discord but i just cannot stress enough how fucked up i am. i had attachment issues with that layout like i loved it with my whole heart. just for my stoopid ass to not save it when clearly i remember before switching to a new layout i saved it under my css folder with the title layout5. makes me not want to code an archive layout anymore but i still kinda want to. on top of that i also have to deal with my money. didn't delete that schedule fixed payment and now i paid another month of rent. thats $745 down the fucking drain. and im pretty sure i wont get my deposit back because the landlord over there is going to find some small shit and say they need my deposit to fix the damages. like what fucking damages lmao. hopefully i get it. because if i get my refund of $745 and my deposit of $650 then the total would be $1395. that means ill have more then enough to keep saving because at this point i feel like im so broke even though i have over $1k in my bank. still i had to deal with these 2 problems im so fucking stressed and pissed. like super pissed like im in complete and utter shambles at this very moment. ive yapped about this before and im yapping now because i cant get over it like my heart is breaking and im sooooooo stressed. cannot stress how stress i am right now. fuck me life bro. oooommmmggggg shgkdfgOSrtgh ozdig jfdjh;sligliszdj'pzedirupdijgdf g fuck man.
title:bored
date: 12/07/2024 11:25AM
been trying to find the motivation to code stupid shit. so far i've been coding this tab thingy which was working out fine until i tried to style the content within it was super frustrating because nothing wanted to work. tried display flex but that was being weird. tried to do other complicated shit but that also didn't work so i just gave up. its just sitting in my notepad until i want to try to code again. i also changed the font of my website because i saw oooeee site font changed and im like BET i wanna change mines too. I AINT A COPY CAT LOL.
my husband was really sick yesterday. he was puking and having the bubble guts since 2am of yesterday. my husband decided to call in since he was too sick to go to work. i wanted to call in but my points say otherwise. i made sure to tell him to eat the medicine my mom provided for him and to make sure to stay hydrated and if he was hungry to eat some soup. came home after a trip to the grocery store and came home to him being weak from laying on the sofa and having the bubble guts. ordered him some apple sauce since apparently it helps him a lot. stayed with him and we both went to bed. woke up to massage him and we ate breakfest. he feels a lot better now thankfully. i feel like with him being sick for the very first time in a long time it pretty much means we are both very unhealthy. my husband tends to never gets sick while i always get sick. either way, thankful he's all better now. he's been having really bad back aches and stomach cramps from all the bubble guts.
also i solved the wholeass apartment rent shit. apparently they will refund me with the deposit; however security deposit they have left for me; some time soon. hopefully soon.
date: 12/07/2024 11:25AM
been trying to find the motivation to code stupid shit. so far i've been coding this tab thingy which was working out fine until i tried to style the content within it was super frustrating because nothing wanted to work. tried display flex but that was being weird. tried to do other complicated shit but that also didn't work so i just gave up. its just sitting in my notepad until i want to try to code again. i also changed the font of my website because i saw oooeee site font changed and im like BET i wanna change mines too. I AINT A COPY CAT LOL.
my husband was really sick yesterday. he was puking and having the bubble guts since 2am of yesterday. my husband decided to call in since he was too sick to go to work. i wanted to call in but my points say otherwise. i made sure to tell him to eat the medicine my mom provided for him and to make sure to stay hydrated and if he was hungry to eat some soup. came home after a trip to the grocery store and came home to him being weak from laying on the sofa and having the bubble guts. ordered him some apple sauce since apparently it helps him a lot. stayed with him and we both went to bed. woke up to massage him and we ate breakfest. he feels a lot better now thankfully. i feel like with him being sick for the very first time in a long time it pretty much means we are both very unhealthy. my husband tends to never gets sick while i always get sick. either way, thankful he's all better now. he's been having really bad back aches and stomach cramps from all the bubble guts.
also i solved the wholeass apartment rent shit. apparently they will refund me with the deposit; however security deposit they have left for me; some time soon. hopefully soon.
title:i got sick
date: 12/10/2024 11:41AM
i was telling my husband and my siblings that i better not get sick from them. well, there you know it. i got sick. and it was the worst time of my life. came back from home feeling like my stimach was bloated and everytime i bent down to clean up at work it hurted. i was also very exhuasted that day and thankfully my husband was home since he didnt work yesterday. told him i had to go user the bathroom and i just kept on going. there was a point where i was just waiting in the bathroom to see what was up. i also attempted to go back to my bedroom and try to lay it off but i couldn't because i could not take whatever smell i was smelling and immediantly headed back to the bathroom. then my stomach started to hurt, mostly my right side of my stomach. it hurted so bad when i stood up but when i sat down on the bathroom floor it hurted less. had to text my husband to come to me because i really need him to hold me. i had to also ask my little brother if he felt pain in his stomach when he was sick and he said well kind of. my little brother also said what helped him was drinking pepto bismol. i was pacing back and forth because i couldn't stay still and my husband was just standing there rubbing my back as it hurted really bad. then i started to feel it. i ran to the toilet and positioned myself to puke. god it was so awful. i hate puking. i hate it with a dying passion. if i were to take something that all humans wish they never want to experience it'd be puking. after i finished puking, i felt so nasty. my husband brought me a new pair of pants and underwear but i told him i wanted to take a shower because i felt so disgusting. took a shower, drank pepto bismol, drank a shit tons of water and the entire evening i was hot and cold repeatedly. felt so weak and fatigued. i was so exhuasted from the repeated back and forth of going to the bathroom. felt like puking but alsi felt like my bubble guts were going to explode. my husband advised me to sleep over in the living room as to have full and close access to the bathroom. i did that. laid flat on my back as to keep my breathing at steady flow. but everytime i tried to make myself comfortable it was just so hard to breathe. the living room was also getting hotter and with that i couldn't even sleep well on the futon nor the sofa. i ended up waking to go back to the bedroom with my husband. i tried to avoid sleeping close to him as to avoid him getting sick again. woke up this morning feeling super much better then yesterday. still have the bubble guts but it isn't as bad as having that yesterday. im drinking lots of water to keep myself hydrated but i have no clue what to eat since i want to avoid solid food. i am really craving my moms chicken porridge. my husband said if i wanted to order something i can use his money but idk what to order tbh. now im just sitting here not knowing what to do and i cant seem to find the remote control for the tv. called in today. cannot call in anymore. i am at my very last point. i really hope this shit goes away. who fucking knew it'd get this bad. never again. havent felt sick like this since i was little. i would rather have a cough and a stuffy nose then deal with this.
date: 12/10/2024 11:41AM
i was telling my husband and my siblings that i better not get sick from them. well, there you know it. i got sick. and it was the worst time of my life. came back from home feeling like my stimach was bloated and everytime i bent down to clean up at work it hurted. i was also very exhuasted that day and thankfully my husband was home since he didnt work yesterday. told him i had to go user the bathroom and i just kept on going. there was a point where i was just waiting in the bathroom to see what was up. i also attempted to go back to my bedroom and try to lay it off but i couldn't because i could not take whatever smell i was smelling and immediantly headed back to the bathroom. then my stomach started to hurt, mostly my right side of my stomach. it hurted so bad when i stood up but when i sat down on the bathroom floor it hurted less. had to text my husband to come to me because i really need him to hold me. i had to also ask my little brother if he felt pain in his stomach when he was sick and he said well kind of. my little brother also said what helped him was drinking pepto bismol. i was pacing back and forth because i couldn't stay still and my husband was just standing there rubbing my back as it hurted really bad. then i started to feel it. i ran to the toilet and positioned myself to puke. god it was so awful. i hate puking. i hate it with a dying passion. if i were to take something that all humans wish they never want to experience it'd be puking. after i finished puking, i felt so nasty. my husband brought me a new pair of pants and underwear but i told him i wanted to take a shower because i felt so disgusting. took a shower, drank pepto bismol, drank a shit tons of water and the entire evening i was hot and cold repeatedly. felt so weak and fatigued. i was so exhuasted from the repeated back and forth of going to the bathroom. felt like puking but alsi felt like my bubble guts were going to explode. my husband advised me to sleep over in the living room as to have full and close access to the bathroom. i did that. laid flat on my back as to keep my breathing at steady flow. but everytime i tried to make myself comfortable it was just so hard to breathe. the living room was also getting hotter and with that i couldn't even sleep well on the futon nor the sofa. i ended up waking to go back to the bedroom with my husband. i tried to avoid sleeping close to him as to avoid him getting sick again. woke up this morning feeling super much better then yesterday. still have the bubble guts but it isn't as bad as having that yesterday. im drinking lots of water to keep myself hydrated but i have no clue what to eat since i want to avoid solid food. i am really craving my moms chicken porridge. my husband said if i wanted to order something i can use his money but idk what to order tbh. now im just sitting here not knowing what to do and i cant seem to find the remote control for the tv. called in today. cannot call in anymore. i am at my very last point. i really hope this shit goes away. who fucking knew it'd get this bad. never again. havent felt sick like this since i was little. i would rather have a cough and a stuffy nose then deal with this.
title: betrayal
date: 12/15/2024 9:43AM
tm leaving the chat and saying his arc is over and not accepting my friend request has got to be the biggest betrayal before 2024 ended. mother fucker invited me to the server then decided his lore has ended and ghosted everyone. i have every right to become a villian rn.
date: 12/15/2024 9:43AM
tm leaving the chat and saying his arc is over and not accepting my friend request has got to be the biggest betrayal before 2024 ended. mother fucker invited me to the server then decided his lore has ended and ghosted everyone. i have every right to become a villian rn.
title: holiday
date: 12/24/2024 10:23AM
its the holidays and i'm feeling less joyous throughout the years. idk what to buy for my siblings. but i do know what i want to buy for myself lol. i spent too much money on myself and doordash. recently i got my apartment check and i had to cash all of that out at my husbands bank. gave my mom $200 to buy 6 bags of rice to last us awhile. my husbands grand archive booster case came in and we didn't pull shit. i wore presson nails for the holidays and now i'm kind of regretting it like always. my mom and older sister wants to do spaghetti for christmas. packed my little brothers christmas present/birthday present.
anyways, been trying to journal and i feel like having the hobonichi weeks is good for me. but its also weird that i can write more on my weeks then the a6 cousin. waiting on 2025 to come so i can start using the my 100 list and the mood tracker since i like to write down my moods and shit. i also was going to buy a shit ton of stickers from shopbyjustine but i decided nah because i don't want to keep wasting money on stickers and all the ones in my cart ended up being almost $400 so nah. i already spent at least $200 on 2 things and my bank is already stinging me. i also have no idea why i'm feeling so anxious and i keep overthinking a lot recently. maybe its the holiday blues.
and, blogging on here is hard because i have things i want to blog and then they just disappear.
also also.....tm
date: 12/24/2024 10:23AM
its the holidays and i'm feeling less joyous throughout the years. idk what to buy for my siblings. but i do know what i want to buy for myself lol. i spent too much money on myself and doordash. recently i got my apartment check and i had to cash all of that out at my husbands bank. gave my mom $200 to buy 6 bags of rice to last us awhile. my husbands grand archive booster case came in and we didn't pull shit. i wore presson nails for the holidays and now i'm kind of regretting it like always. my mom and older sister wants to do spaghetti for christmas. packed my little brothers christmas present/birthday present.
anyways, been trying to journal and i feel like having the hobonichi weeks is good for me. but its also weird that i can write more on my weeks then the a6 cousin. waiting on 2025 to come so i can start using the my 100 list and the mood tracker since i like to write down my moods and shit. i also was going to buy a shit ton of stickers from shopbyjustine but i decided nah because i don't want to keep wasting money on stickers and all the ones in my cart ended up being almost $400 so nah. i already spent at least $200 on 2 things and my bank is already stinging me. i also have no idea why i'm feeling so anxious and i keep overthinking a lot recently. maybe its the holiday blues.
and, blogging on here is hard because i have things i want to blog and then they just disappear.
also also.....tm
title: christmas
date: 12/25/2024 11:20AM
it is the holidays. my mom made spaghetti, fried ribs, fried rice and pepper for christmas. we also had the tres leches cake too and it was really delicious. we also got to open some presents and i got really good stuff. my older brother bought me two stuff animals. i forgor what theyre called but theyre small and cute. my sister got me some chocolate, a small hand lotion and a cute bow cup from tjmaxx. my mom gave me $60 which im gonna put it in my hobonichi weeks. my other brother got me sharpies and pens. i am very content with my gifts. i wish i couldve got them something. i just didn't know what to get them. gay. now my stomach is full and i'm here on my pc blogging abut this morning.
my husband and i decided to write down the sizes of the pictures we took at the new years event in november because the photographers didn't write the size. we plan to buy picture frames and hang them on the wall. can't wait for the picture of me and my husband framed up on the wall. ive always wanted a professional picture of me and my husband. also took time to fill up my journal. i'm quite liking the hobonichi weeks as i tend to write more in that then the actual a6 journals. ive also said this in my previous entry. hehe.
but anways, my husband goes back to work tomorrow and im kinda sad that he is. now i'm gonna spend tomorrow missing him and being lonely. thats the thing though. even if we live with eachother i miss him when hes at work. i need to be with him 24/7 all the time. i cannot imagine my life without him. i remember joosh saying something on the discord chat. his gf said something about if he dies shes following him and i felt that. i remember telling my husband that if he dies im gonna follow him. i love him so much. he is my everything.
big news! tm is back on nekoweb server. now nekoweb is complete.
date: 12/25/2024 11:20AM
it is the holidays. my mom made spaghetti, fried ribs, fried rice and pepper for christmas. we also had the tres leches cake too and it was really delicious. we also got to open some presents and i got really good stuff. my older brother bought me two stuff animals. i forgor what theyre called but theyre small and cute. my sister got me some chocolate, a small hand lotion and a cute bow cup from tjmaxx. my mom gave me $60 which im gonna put it in my hobonichi weeks. my other brother got me sharpies and pens. i am very content with my gifts. i wish i couldve got them something. i just didn't know what to get them. gay. now my stomach is full and i'm here on my pc blogging abut this morning.
my husband and i decided to write down the sizes of the pictures we took at the new years event in november because the photographers didn't write the size. we plan to buy picture frames and hang them on the wall. can't wait for the picture of me and my husband framed up on the wall. ive always wanted a professional picture of me and my husband. also took time to fill up my journal. i'm quite liking the hobonichi weeks as i tend to write more in that then the actual a6 journals. ive also said this in my previous entry. hehe.
but anways, my husband goes back to work tomorrow and im kinda sad that he is. now i'm gonna spend tomorrow missing him and being lonely. thats the thing though. even if we live with eachother i miss him when hes at work. i need to be with him 24/7 all the time. i cannot imagine my life without him. i remember joosh saying something on the discord chat. his gf said something about if he dies shes following him and i felt that. i remember telling my husband that if he dies im gonna follow him. i love him so much. he is my everything.
big news! tm is back on nekoweb server. now nekoweb is complete.
title: untitled 03
date: 12/31/2024 09:55AM
finally, i get to be on holiday vacation again. i was really super tired from work yesterday because waiting for the time to go by is so slow yet when you have a busy time the time goes by so fucking fast. i took a shower this morning as i was so fucking lazy yesterday. ordered food and i'm binge watching chinese dramas. played minecraft a few minutes ago just downloading a bunch of mods and trying them out.
about mods. i've always had a hard time trying to download mods. like i've tried forge so many times and i couldn't understand it at all. i've also had optifine but using that is only good for shaders and nothing else. dimden and noa were all telling me to try these other things like prism launcher. i tried that but i couldn't understand the jist of it so i abanded it for awhile. i remember i had modrinth so i've been tweaking it for a few days. and i finally got it. the only issues i have using modrinth is not the app itself but wanting to download mods and finding out that the mod you wanted is not up to date. gay. but ive been adding cool mods, usually the ones flowstate on minecraft uses. now my modded minecraft is complete and now the thought of building again? SIGH gonna take a break tbh aha.
waiting for my husband to come home early today to spend the new years. might just not stay up because i can only stay up until 9-10pm and knock out. same with my husband. i don't think we're gonna celebrate either because my little brother and his friends are gonna come over and hog up the living room and will definitly be loud. so me and my husband along with my little brothers might stay in our rooms.
date: 12/31/2024 09:55AM
finally, i get to be on holiday vacation again. i was really super tired from work yesterday because waiting for the time to go by is so slow yet when you have a busy time the time goes by so fucking fast. i took a shower this morning as i was so fucking lazy yesterday. ordered food and i'm binge watching chinese dramas. played minecraft a few minutes ago just downloading a bunch of mods and trying them out.
about mods. i've always had a hard time trying to download mods. like i've tried forge so many times and i couldn't understand it at all. i've also had optifine but using that is only good for shaders and nothing else. dimden and noa were all telling me to try these other things like prism launcher. i tried that but i couldn't understand the jist of it so i abanded it for awhile. i remember i had modrinth so i've been tweaking it for a few days. and i finally got it. the only issues i have using modrinth is not the app itself but wanting to download mods and finding out that the mod you wanted is not up to date. gay. but ive been adding cool mods, usually the ones flowstate on minecraft uses. now my modded minecraft is complete and now the thought of building again? SIGH gonna take a break tbh aha.
waiting for my husband to come home early today to spend the new years. might just not stay up because i can only stay up until 9-10pm and knock out. same with my husband. i don't think we're gonna celebrate either because my little brother and his friends are gonna come over and hog up the living room and will definitly be loud. so me and my husband along with my little brothers might stay in our rooms.
title: friends
date: 01/16/2025 05:11PM
i think, i am going to accept the fact that i will always be full of hatred. no matter what the situation is, i will always find time to be the biggest hater ever. even when i cry like a fucking bitch. i will hold onto that and never forget. i hold grudges until the day i die. i am the person where i forgive but don't forget.
today felt so long. and it ruined my day. something happened and i felt like a total fool. my face is hot red and i'm on the verge of crying. i eat gushers because those seems to chill me out. and i go home to bawl my eyes out to my husband. i feel like i've wasted so much time and effort on friends who don't give their time for me but i'm always there for them. it kills me genuienly. and it makes everything awkward at work.
date: 01/16/2025 05:11PM
i think, i am going to accept the fact that i will always be full of hatred. no matter what the situation is, i will always find time to be the biggest hater ever. even when i cry like a fucking bitch. i will hold onto that and never forget. i hold grudges until the day i die. i am the person where i forgive but don't forget.
today felt so long. and it ruined my day. something happened and i felt like a total fool. my face is hot red and i'm on the verge of crying. i eat gushers because those seems to chill me out. and i go home to bawl my eyes out to my husband. i feel like i've wasted so much time and effort on friends who don't give their time for me but i'm always there for them. it kills me genuienly. and it makes everything awkward at work.
title: rage
date: 01/23/2025 03:05PM
how can i manage to survive living? my heart is full of rage and insanity, barely trying to crash out. i need to go to a rage room and rage my heart out. i need to ruin things. but everything i want to do to rage my heart out never seems enough. speaking words are also never enough. i want to cry, cry and cry and cry cry crrryyyyyyyyy. i hate living. i hate feeling this way. how can i save myself with this raging fire in my heart. a fire that can never blow out. i'm tired of hating. how can i let my mind rest. is it me? do i do this to myself? am i the problem? how can i fix myself? MONEY?! who knows.
today, i heard from my friend that my other "friend" said things about me. and i don't know how i feel about it even after having a talk with her. i still feel sour like i didn't say enough. i can also feel the tension from her as i feel she has other more things she wanted to say to me. should i care? idk. will i ask her? should i? idk. my other friends tell me that i shouldn't be friends with someone like her because they call you their friend and then turn around and talk shit about you behind your back. it was hard for me to let go of my ex friend. as i am the type of person to always go back to them once they've shown me kindness. it took me too long to realize i was just a pawn in her eyes. now i'm just another pawn in someone elses eyes. i don't know if i should feel hurt or not. i also feel like i didn't really properly apologize right. but should i apologize? is it my fault? i don't really know anymore. i just feel numb and mentally exhuasted. i feel so angry yet i feel nothing.
theres just so much bottle up inside me. like i'm drowning.
date: 01/23/2025 03:05PM
how can i manage to survive living? my heart is full of rage and insanity, barely trying to crash out. i need to go to a rage room and rage my heart out. i need to ruin things. but everything i want to do to rage my heart out never seems enough. speaking words are also never enough. i want to cry, cry and cry and cry cry crrryyyyyyyyy. i hate living. i hate feeling this way. how can i save myself with this raging fire in my heart. a fire that can never blow out. i'm tired of hating. how can i let my mind rest. is it me? do i do this to myself? am i the problem? how can i fix myself? MONEY?! who knows.
today, i heard from my friend that my other "friend" said things about me. and i don't know how i feel about it even after having a talk with her. i still feel sour like i didn't say enough. i can also feel the tension from her as i feel she has other more things she wanted to say to me. should i care? idk. will i ask her? should i? idk. my other friends tell me that i shouldn't be friends with someone like her because they call you their friend and then turn around and talk shit about you behind your back. it was hard for me to let go of my ex friend. as i am the type of person to always go back to them once they've shown me kindness. it took me too long to realize i was just a pawn in her eyes. now i'm just another pawn in someone elses eyes. i don't know if i should feel hurt or not. i also feel like i didn't really properly apologize right. but should i apologize? is it my fault? i don't really know anymore. i just feel numb and mentally exhuasted. i feel so angry yet i feel nothing.
theres just so much bottle up inside me. like i'm drowning.
title: untitled 04
date: 01/25/2025 02:30PM
its not going to be the same anymore. i don't know how things will change but i know that i need to keep a distance from now on. it hurts. really. letting go of something you once held dearly. if that's what it takes to bring me inner peace, so be it. i hate making friends. they never last. especially at work. especially people who you think will be there for you when times are dark. maybe its also my fault too for not opening up. but how can you open up to someone whos ears are closed for you? i need to hold myself back. my true self. i need to hide it for awhile.
playing minecraft these days with my husband and my siblings are always fun for me. not caring for anything else other then having fun with loved ones.
date: 01/25/2025 02:30PM
its not going to be the same anymore. i don't know how things will change but i know that i need to keep a distance from now on. it hurts. really. letting go of something you once held dearly. if that's what it takes to bring me inner peace, so be it. i hate making friends. they never last. especially at work. especially people who you think will be there for you when times are dark. maybe its also my fault too for not opening up. but how can you open up to someone whos ears are closed for you? i need to hold myself back. my true self. i need to hide it for awhile.
playing minecraft these days with my husband and my siblings are always fun for me. not caring for anything else other then having fun with loved ones.
title: leaving nekoweb discord server
date: 02/18/2025 02:28PM
ive been on nekoweb since March of 2024, decided to enter the nekoweb discord chat in June. at that time, best decision. everyone was chill, it was fun and i genuinely enjoyed being there. it was a community i felt proud to be in. the small indie web with people who has the same hobbies as me. and there, along the way i made cool friends. cool acquaintances too. for awhile, it seemed like everytime i came back home from work, even if during work i would always check for new messages from any one. i guess you can say i was always active, had the time to chat with people and enjoy eachothers company day and night. then, closer to the end of 2024, and the beginning of 2025. it seems like things shifted in the server. from then on, i found myself not wanting to be a apart of the server. i was still active, but things weren't the same as they use to be. its different now. way different. i love nekoweb. i truly do, but things are shifting in the server. and its something i do not want to part take in anymore. i'm immature sometimes, and i say unhinged shit. but i need a long break from the server. i'm going to miss it dearly. truly. i won't be gone forever. maybe one day i will come back. who knows.
date: 02/18/2025 02:28PM
ive been on nekoweb since March of 2024, decided to enter the nekoweb discord chat in June. at that time, best decision. everyone was chill, it was fun and i genuinely enjoyed being there. it was a community i felt proud to be in. the small indie web with people who has the same hobbies as me. and there, along the way i made cool friends. cool acquaintances too. for awhile, it seemed like everytime i came back home from work, even if during work i would always check for new messages from any one. i guess you can say i was always active, had the time to chat with people and enjoy eachothers company day and night. then, closer to the end of 2024, and the beginning of 2025. it seems like things shifted in the server. from then on, i found myself not wanting to be a apart of the server. i was still active, but things weren't the same as they use to be. its different now. way different. i love nekoweb. i truly do, but things are shifting in the server. and its something i do not want to part take in anymore. i'm immature sometimes, and i say unhinged shit. but i need a long break from the server. i'm going to miss it dearly. truly. i won't be gone forever. maybe one day i will come back. who knows.
title: feelings
date: 02/22/2025 06:28AM
lately ive been feeling all sorts of emotions. happy, sad, depressed, anger, anxious, worried. my stomach twist and turns, i feel like throwing up. i can't really focus well. when things bother me, i tend to stay in one position for a long time and stare into the void. blank face expressions and heavy yet sutle breathings. i can feel my heart beating hard, sometimes i can hear my heartbeats. sometimes i tend to get really bad migraines from it all. then i have to take pain medications and that really doesn't work well. with all of this in my way of trying to enjoy living, it makes me not want to do anything. i feel lazy, i feel unmotivated. no interest in anything. i find myself neglecting my hobonichi weeks as i did promise myself i will remember to write in it daily/weekly. even here, i'm getting to the point of not wanting to code. i haven't coded anything and yet i feel so burnt out for no reason. i want to rehaul my layouts to match my homepage and even that....is making me want to not do anything. i haven't been getting good sleep too. my husband recommended we try slee gummies and at first it did work, but the more i kept eating it before bed time, i found myself having troubles actually sleeping due to the gummies. when i was sick, the nyquil my husband bought for me to sleep only helped out a bit as i also found myself waking up in the middle of the night. i can't really seem to find a good solution to my sleep troubles. the lack of sleep is probably a reason i'm experiencing all sorts of emotions and shit.
lately, i've been trying to play minecraft creative on my cake world. i added biomes o plenty mod into it and everything looks so much more alive and pretty. even the ambient sound mod makes it a cherry on top. cool winds, sounds of water, scary night noises. its so peaceful. i did build a house, but i am starting to not like the way it looks inside. its so cramped, small spaces and the top floor looks so small and not really my vibes. i might just tear down the inside and redo everything.
the other day i asked my husband to take me to kohls as i wanted more sweat pants i bought last time. they're big and nice and very very comfortable. when we got to the section, all the smalls were gone except for a blue color. i bought that and a new hoodie i thought would be a different color but as it turned out was the same as the one i have in my basket of clothes. i also wanted a new pair of shoes but my husband said no. but today i will go back and see if that pair of shoes i wanted is still there so i can buy it. my husband saying no isn't him controlling me for anyone that read that part. out neighbors are thinking about selling their house. only thinking and one day while my husband was shoveling the snow outside, they happened to be shoveling at the same time and they were chatting about it. their house is really nice, they did some renovations to the house and their backyard stretches out longer then my moms backyard. that could add to the cost of the house and as we both told my mom that, she got very excited. telling us to tell our neighbors we are interested and to take out a loan. i didn't want to get her hopes up high, which it already is, because if that house cost over 200K then we definitely cannot get it. but if its under 200K we might get it. but its only a thought and our neighbors are probably already set for something else OR its just a thought and they might not sell their house. it would be nice tho. because if we did, i would make a gate door so my mom can access the backyard. my husband wants to raise chickens. my mom loves gardening and with that amount of space, they can both do that. BUT! its just a thought and we might not get that house.
date: 02/22/2025 06:28AM
lately ive been feeling all sorts of emotions. happy, sad, depressed, anger, anxious, worried. my stomach twist and turns, i feel like throwing up. i can't really focus well. when things bother me, i tend to stay in one position for a long time and stare into the void. blank face expressions and heavy yet sutle breathings. i can feel my heart beating hard, sometimes i can hear my heartbeats. sometimes i tend to get really bad migraines from it all. then i have to take pain medications and that really doesn't work well. with all of this in my way of trying to enjoy living, it makes me not want to do anything. i feel lazy, i feel unmotivated. no interest in anything. i find myself neglecting my hobonichi weeks as i did promise myself i will remember to write in it daily/weekly. even here, i'm getting to the point of not wanting to code. i haven't coded anything and yet i feel so burnt out for no reason. i want to rehaul my layouts to match my homepage and even that....is making me want to not do anything. i haven't been getting good sleep too. my husband recommended we try slee gummies and at first it did work, but the more i kept eating it before bed time, i found myself having troubles actually sleeping due to the gummies. when i was sick, the nyquil my husband bought for me to sleep only helped out a bit as i also found myself waking up in the middle of the night. i can't really seem to find a good solution to my sleep troubles. the lack of sleep is probably a reason i'm experiencing all sorts of emotions and shit.
lately, i've been trying to play minecraft creative on my cake world. i added biomes o plenty mod into it and everything looks so much more alive and pretty. even the ambient sound mod makes it a cherry on top. cool winds, sounds of water, scary night noises. its so peaceful. i did build a house, but i am starting to not like the way it looks inside. its so cramped, small spaces and the top floor looks so small and not really my vibes. i might just tear down the inside and redo everything.
the other day i asked my husband to take me to kohls as i wanted more sweat pants i bought last time. they're big and nice and very very comfortable. when we got to the section, all the smalls were gone except for a blue color. i bought that and a new hoodie i thought would be a different color but as it turned out was the same as the one i have in my basket of clothes. i also wanted a new pair of shoes but my husband said no. but today i will go back and see if that pair of shoes i wanted is still there so i can buy it. my husband saying no isn't him controlling me for anyone that read that part. out neighbors are thinking about selling their house. only thinking and one day while my husband was shoveling the snow outside, they happened to be shoveling at the same time and they were chatting about it. their house is really nice, they did some renovations to the house and their backyard stretches out longer then my moms backyard. that could add to the cost of the house and as we both told my mom that, she got very excited. telling us to tell our neighbors we are interested and to take out a loan. i didn't want to get her hopes up high, which it already is, because if that house cost over 200K then we definitely cannot get it. but if its under 200K we might get it. but its only a thought and our neighbors are probably already set for something else OR its just a thought and they might not sell their house. it would be nice tho. because if we did, i would make a gate door so my mom can access the backyard. my husband wants to raise chickens. my mom loves gardening and with that amount of space, they can both do that. BUT! its just a thought and we might not get that house.
title: swirl
date: 02/22/2025 04:56PM
wanted to write a blog post about copy vs actual inspired, swirl wise but i can't seem to find the right words to descibe the annoyance of cute sites being too similar to swirl. same assets, same everything. i know she didn't invent that style but she sure did make it popular. it was kind of like her signiture looks that people admired and wanted to be like in neocities. it just seems, in my opinion, lazy coding.
date: 02/22/2025 04:56PM
wanted to write a blog post about copy vs actual inspired, swirl wise but i can't seem to find the right words to descibe the annoyance of cute sites being too similar to swirl. same assets, same everything. i know she didn't invent that style but she sure did make it popular. it was kind of like her signiture looks that people admired and wanted to be like in neocities. it just seems, in my opinion, lazy coding.
title: sigh
date: 03/11/2025 02:57PM
i have been feeling all sorts of emotions since the beginning of 2025. i don't know what it is that i'm feeling but its nothing good that i can tell. overthinking, anxiety, fear, chest pains and huge migraines. it just keeps getting worse as the years go by. makes me wonder all sorts of things that ties in with overthinking and anxiety. humans are capable of making up scenarios in their heads. good and bad ones. and sometimes those scenarios feel so real, it starts eating them up. that's me. and because of those scenarios that i keep imagining, theres a feeling of fear. a feeling that causes anxiety within me. its a deep stomach twisting feeling. like i'm nervous but i'm not. makes me have no appetite whatsoever. and sometimes, those causes huge migraines. it feels like my head is going to explode. i can feel my veins wanting to burst. laying down doesn't feel right because it just makes it worse. so then i have to pop some pain pills to keep the migraine at a low. this cycle repeats almost everyday of my life and i feel like it became something usual of me to feel. a familiar feeling. it's something i don't wish to feel.
date: 03/11/2025 02:57PM
i have been feeling all sorts of emotions since the beginning of 2025. i don't know what it is that i'm feeling but its nothing good that i can tell. overthinking, anxiety, fear, chest pains and huge migraines. it just keeps getting worse as the years go by. makes me wonder all sorts of things that ties in with overthinking and anxiety. humans are capable of making up scenarios in their heads. good and bad ones. and sometimes those scenarios feel so real, it starts eating them up. that's me. and because of those scenarios that i keep imagining, theres a feeling of fear. a feeling that causes anxiety within me. its a deep stomach twisting feeling. like i'm nervous but i'm not. makes me have no appetite whatsoever. and sometimes, those causes huge migraines. it feels like my head is going to explode. i can feel my veins wanting to burst. laying down doesn't feel right because it just makes it worse. so then i have to pop some pain pills to keep the migraine at a low. this cycle repeats almost everyday of my life and i feel like it became something usual of me to feel. a familiar feeling. it's something i don't wish to feel.
